I've been here before...

I've felt this before. I'm tired of this situations, but I've felt this kind of confusion. It's exhausting. I'm sick of the sadness, the reflexive moments, the lost period, the stupid things and ridiculous consequences because I'm always too far away. I don't want to be saved, but I don't want to be lost. I'm tired of the drama.

I just want to go, find a place, feel the sun... I don't want to feel this over and over again. I don't want to get lost. I don't want drugs, I don't want pain, I don't want sex, nothing will be able to heal this. The cure should be much more straightforward. The cure should not be avoidance.

The cure neither is someone else. Every situation has lived inside my head and made the person who I'm now, but it's difficult to accept that. I've made of pain and blood. I'm just the remnants of what I wanted to be, but the remnants are still there.

I don't want to be the result of this moments, but every time is harder to hide. I'm walking like dead, but I'm still walking around. For the first time, I want to be smart.

The mechanism is now perverse if I feel the pain I have to decide. But if I need to make decisions I look for the pain, because it is the situation I know I can choose. I've made so many mistakes because of my pain. I don't want to decide based on that.

For now, it is the route. I'm my past as I am my decisions now. It's time to clean on; I'm so tired to carry one more thing.

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